NUIG student scientists discover cure for Ebola in flat 7up

By Eoin Molloy

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Third year students of un-denominated science have reportedly discovered the long-awaited cure to Ebola.

Jamie Hennessy and Padraig ‘Podge’ Concannon, from Skerries and Buncrana respectively, made the breakthrough when experimenting with hangover cures.

The two students held a conference with the world’s media in front of NUI Galway’s quadrangle, Friday last.

When asked how they came up with the wonder cure, Hennessy (21) and Concannon (22) said that they identified the initial symptoms of the Ebola virus: fevers, headaches and muscle pain.

They ascertained that these symptoms were much like your average hangover, so they begin a series of ‘trial and error’ tests after nights out.

Mr Hennessy said that the ‘old reliables’ like fast food, panadol and isotonic drinks did not perform consistently as a hangover cure, so they would certainly do little to stop Ebola.

The most successful cure of the two geniuses’ sample set was a combination of flat 7up and dry, butter-less toast.

This potent combination eliminated all hangover/Ebola symptoms at the first time of asking.

The two then ‘took their findings to the concourse labs’ where they double-checked their wonder-cure by ‘putting coloured liquids into beakers and examining said coloured liquids while wearing impressive-looking white lab coats.’

The World Health Organisation has reached out to the genius scientists and offered them both full time positions at the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta.

The world now waits with bated breath to see if the cure helps to contain the savage virus as it rages across Western Africa.

*Originally appeared in Sin*


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