By Eoin Molloy
The budget is in. The top tax band has been pushed up, cigarettes are more expensive and the dreaded water charges are finally being phased in. It truly is the stuff of a good horror story for us broke students.
Forget gold, forget oil, water is now the planet’s most precious resource. This is, in essence, why we are being asked to pay for it. In the future we will perhaps see the United States invading Ireland because of our vast and plentiful supply of rainwater.
But not to worry, we here at Sin have devised and elaborate and cunning plan to help our devoted readers survive the implementation of the water charges.
Firstly, the toilet is all but off limits. Flushing the toilet uses up about 13.6 litres of expensive water. In order to avoid this drastic waste of precious water, simply ‘go’ outside. A fine for public urination will probably be less costly than a flushing toilet thanks to Irish Water Ltd.
Next on the chopping block is the overlong shower. There will be no more double-conditioning of hair, no more shower-singing and no more making important life decisions while wasting time away in the shower. Water is now a precious commodity. Cut your showers down. Once every two weeks should do the trick, unless you have access to a shower in, say, a gym. Then go wild.
If at all possible, fuse your shower water together with your toilet water, if you catch my drift. The ‘Go with the flow’ campaign organised by the University of East Anglia advocates this unsavoury act. Aside from having the most apt name in campaign history, this university-sponsored drive openly asks students to urinate in the shower to save water.
Source your drinking water from fresh springs, coconuts, tree sap, rocks and other naturally-occurring, water-producing phenomena. Also, stock up on water at work, college or any other place where the owners are foolhardy enough to leave their precious water fountains unguarded.
Buckets are now your most valuable ally. The water fountain of today is the oil rig of yesteryear, and for now they are free game. Also, collect rain and water from rivers that are known to be clean.
Let us all grow dreadlocks because we no longer have the water to keep our hair conditioned. Let us fill buckets up with water from college fountain and valley spring. And don’t forget to pee in the shower because that one is actually pretty damn effective.