Drunken mattress arrested for public order offences in Eyre Square

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(photos courtesy of the Connacht Tribune and Xadacka)

Crime Correspondent: Eoin Molloy

Outright civil disobedience erupted last night the 17 of October outside Supermacs in Eyre Square after a mattress was arrested for being drunk and disorderly.

The mattress, who denies all the charges being levelled at him, was brought to Mill Street at around 3am for allegedly telling a police officer to ‘bounce.’

The officers sprung to action, arresting the unruly mattress and hauling him off to spend the night in a cell. The large crowd of night-time revellers were quickly dispersed after that.

A close friend of the mattress (whose name will be kept under wraps) contacted Tea and Biccies to explain the situation.

‘Matty was just out on the tear, having a good time with the boys outside Supermacs, as ya do,’ explained the source. ‘Then some rowdy young fellas came and started bouncing on him. They tore the sheets off him!’

Tensions then spiralled out of control as ‘Matty’ threatened to attack his tormentors.

The Gardai were closely monitoring the situation, and were on hand to pull the mattress off the young men. He spent the night at the station and was released the following morning with a fine.

Matthew the mattress is preparing a legal case. He believes he was wrongfully arrested and has set up a social media campaign to pay for his legal fees. For more information, like the Facebook page: #Justice4Matty.

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NB: *Please put down your pitchforks as this is satire*

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