NUIG’s ‘Big Yellow Thing’ to be converted into large hadron-collider

By Eoin Molloy

(photo from http://illusorypromise.wordpress.com/)

On Wednesday the 8 October the Department of Education and Skills announced plans that it will spearhead funding for a programme that will see NUIG’s enigmatic ‘big yellow thing’ converted into a particle accelerator, similar to that at CERN in Switzerland.

For those who don’t know, a hadron collider basically accelerates tiny particles into each other. Following impact, scientists are able to analyse any by-products that the collision may have created. This gives us great insight into subatomic particles.

The logistics of the operation are unclear as of yet, with the Minister of Education remaining coy about the particular details in Wednesday’s press conference outside of Dail Eireann.

He said that his department, together with NUI Galway’s ‘research partners’ have devised a plan to ‘harness the unique and spell-binding energy’ of the mysterious ‘big yellow thing’ that has dominated NUIG’s landscape for years.

A spokesperson for NUIG told Sin that she was aware of the difficulties of such a long and arduous task, adding that the end result will more than justify the means. She conceded that the irregular shape of the ‘big yellow thing’ will present an obstacle. She declined to answer when asked how it will be rolled out and hollowed into a typical circular hadron collider.

It is thought that the project will employ upwards of 75 people, mostly on the construction side of things as an underground tunnel one kilometre in diameter will need to be created.

For NUI Galway’s student population, there is a certain sense of relief. The purpose of the perplexing ‘big yellow thing’ has finally been revealed.

Patrick Morrissey, a final-year arts student told Sin that when he was in first year rumours circled around that the ‘big yellow thing pre-dated Stonehenge.’ Mr Morrissey went on to say that he had been certain it was placed on campus by ‘ancient aliens or the CIA’, he just wasn’t sure which.

This latest coup for NUIG reinforces its image as the ‘best research-driven’ university in Ireland.

*This is satire*

*Also appeared in Sin*

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