By Eoin Molloy
Hipster (noun): One who enjoys clothing, music, food and activities outside of the social mainstream.
The essence of being a hipster is putting enormous amounts of effort into constructing an apathetic and nonchalant image. That being: trying hard to look like someone who doesn’t try hard. Confused? Me too, but let’s run with it.
Clothing is of utmost importance to your average college hipster. Year-round scarves are a good idea, as are skinny jeans. Cast off thy Adidas tracksuit, because branded clothing is completely off limits. Unless it’s Supreme, obviously.
As a hipster, you must make it your duty to construct a wardrobe filled with clothing bought from thrift markets. Hipsters like their clothes to have backstory, like a good comic book villain.
Eyewear is also of utmost importance to college hipsters, what with all the lazing around the library flicking through Tumblr that has to be done. Hipster mores dictate that the better your vision is, the bigger your glasses must be. This is because hipsters love irony. If you have 20/20 vision, simply pop the lenses out and insert glass frames. Hey presto, you’re now a hipster!
However, when picking out new hipster attire it is important to steer clear from the false friend that are Converse shoes. Sure, they used to be alternative, but now everyone and your mum own a pair. They’re more mainstream than an Adam Sandler movie and must be avoided at all costs.
Alternative nutrition must also be consumed if you are to make it to the top levels of hipsterdom. It is advisable to become a vegetarian or a vegan if you are that way inclined. However, if you do wish to eat meat you must do so cynically, acknowledging that vegetarian’s attempts to save the world are doomed to fail anyways. It is a good idea to buy your food from local markets, if you don’t have space to grow your own that is.
Coffee is a hipster’s most important food group. For upcoming hipsters, the general rule of thumb is that one may never order a coffee that is under six syllables in length. Americano: bad. Skinny hazelnut Frappuccino: good.
When sweetening said coffee, you may only use brown sugar, never white. Normal milk is also off limits, with the soya, almond or goat variations being infinitely more preferable.
Hipsters in NUI Galway will likely insult the coffee outlets on campus, so you must do the same if you are to succeed. Repeat after me: Smokey’s is far too crowded, Starbuck’s is too commercial and the Bialann’s coffee is oh-so-basic. So unless you want to get your coffee at Subway (just to be ironic, of course) then you must tread off campus and buy your coffee at local hipster haven, 37 West.
Also, to make it as a hipster in NUIG, you must be involved in at least three off-beat societies. Try the Victorian Society (sorry guys) even if it is just to steal fashion ideas. You also must frequent Silent Discos at the Roisin Dubh, while also insulting the music they play as being too mainstream.
An advanced hipster may only listen to emerging indie bands, abandoning same when they make it big. A devout hipster will only watch films that are either twenty years or more old or in black and white. Films with subtitles or those that are directed by Wes Anderson are free game as well. Reading VICE news on the regular will help you keep your finger on the pulse of the hipster world.
In summation, being a hipster in a college environment takes a lot of time and effort. It is not a vocation that should be entered lightly. A trainee hipster will have to hone their skills of irony, sarcasm and pessimism, while paying attention to new-fangled trends in music and fashion. Always remember the hipster refrain: ‘I liked ‘X’ before it was cool.’ Good luck!
*NB: This is satire*
*First appeared in NUIG’s Sin*