NUIG student in critical condition after attempting ‘golden week’

By Eoin Molloy

A 20 year old student at NUI Galway is said to be in a ‘critical but stable’ condition at University Hospital Galway following her plucky effort to complete a fabled ‘golden week’. The urban dictionary defines a ‘golden week’ as a perfect week, whereby one manages to make it to every lecture they are scheduled to attend.

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Fiona Harrison, the student in question who is currently taking a second shot at third-year science, came sickeningly close to achieving her golden aspirations. The young student collapsed in the queue for Smokey’s café at roughly 8:40 in the morning, Friday last.

Sources report where she had been ordering her third straight vanilla latte. The potent combination of vanilla extract and concentrated espresso shots caused Ms Harrison to slip into a caffeine-induced coma, from which she has not yet recovered.

TAB Magazine contacted Fiona’s family for comment. They said they were proud of their daughter’s hard work-rate. The hospital expects Fiona to make a full recovery, while also stating that she may suffer from an ‘inability to deal’ for a few weeks after she wakes up from the coma.

The Welfare Office also waded into the debate, warning students against the dangers of attending all of your lectures. A spokesperson for the NUI Galway welfare office said ‘we will soon be implementing a campus-wide campaign aimed at dissuading students from attending 9AM lectures, especially towards the end of the week.’

The spokesperson went on to say that ‘golden week’ attempts like this ‘should not be undertaken lightly just to impress your friends’ as there are often serious health risks to the student involved.

*This article also appeared in NUIG’s Sin*

*Please note that this is a satirical article, all names and events are fictionalised*

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